Holiday via UPS

While I hear that celebrating Thanksgiving is frowned upon these days for reasons ranging from ‘catching a case of the zombies via direct eye contact with someone’ to ‘some people did something several generations ago and we should all be mad about it now’ — as an official crotchety old dude I don’t care and plan to put myself into a food coma anyway.

The biggest hassle for me is actually acquiring the fixin’s for said food coma.

Given the semi-perpetual state of paranoid delusion in today’s world, going and physically participating in the act of shopping is entirely too ridiculous for me… The sight of someone masked up behind a face shield, wearing gloves and a painter’s jumpsuit, and eyeing everyone around them as if they are plague personified while manhandling the produce tends to make me point and laugh. And that tends to label me as an uncaring jerk by everyone in the vicinity…

They’re not wrong, but I should still maintain appearances in order to prevent a visit from the Ministry of Love.

Fortunately there’s this new system called the ‘gig-economy’ that exists to turn mechanical wear on a vehicle into minimum wage. So I just order what I need and wait patiently for it to magically appear on my doorstep via underpaid delivery fairy.

In general I’ve been averaging an 80 percent success rate in actually getting what I order via dice-toss-delivery, which is apparently good enough to keep me using it.

Anyway, this sort of process is how I solved the Thanksgiving dilemma; I have a full-on feast arriving via UPS from HoneyBaked Ham.

My usual holiday ritual used to involve standing in line at the local HoneyBaked Ham store a few days prior to whatever food-based holiday was on the calendar. Now I have a big box of frozen stuff showing up, which will then go into my freezer until a few days before the event.

Shipping added a bit to the overall cost, of course, but I think it was worth it to avoid the potential problems with visibly exceeding my festivity ration for a verboten holiday.