The Day…

Today was one of those days that makes you wonder why the hell you keep going.

At work I'm expected to be about 3 different employees at all times: I'm the Director of IT when I'm not the Sr. Test Engineer, and when I'm not that I'm the Load and Performance Engineer. And usually all these hats are worn at the same time and the one closest to my head depends on who I'm talking to at that particular moment.

Yesterday was fraught with interpersonal crap from one of the department heads on the Voting side who's been having a bad day for the last month and ripping the head off of anyone who gets in her way. Unfortunately I had to work in close proximity with her yesterday and by the time it was time to go home I'd already had a meeting with the CFO (the closest thing to the CEO we have as the CEO is in absetia 99% of the time) about her and what a hell it is having to work with her. Most of this crap stems from the fact that I just can't give any one department my undivided attention for as soon as I do some other department bursts into flames.

Today I juggled writing proposals and handling clients to keep our Director of Marketing employed, managing the guys in IT and keeping the projects we have stacking up on some kind of target, setting up a test for a major MMO publisher and herding the cats of three different departments to get things rolling, sitting the Tuesday manager's meeting (which ran to almost 3 hours – and Voting wasn't there today), and handling State stuff which required driving down to the Department of State offices downtown at 3:30 for a 4:30 meeting that ended at 6pm.

It's the State stuff that really drives me over the edge – the people I work with on these projects, on both sides (State and vendor) make an order of magnitude more money than I do and hold impressive titles that deal with development and testing – yet I have to communicate with them at very high, basic levels and explain concepts that I figure one would have to understand to hold the position.

I'm really getting tired of being the “smart guy in the box” that makes the impossible happen and causes the money to flow like water – for everyone but me.

On top of all of this Bill Mrochek – the other guy on my level in the company – is on his last week before he heads out to Boston to work at 38 Studios… It's his dream job and handily moves him into the 6-figure range in a real position in the industry.

Yeah, I'm jealous.

I wish him the best of luck. He's a great guy, an awesome manager, and it's gonna suck to see him go because I count him as a friend at work. That and I know my job is going to get just that much more hellish without him.

They've been trying to find someone to fill his shoes and from what I've seen they're going to need about three people to do it… And I'm going to have to train, break in, learn the interfaces to, and deal with all of them – all while trying to keep the company running while they settle in.

I dunno if I can do it.

Under about half the work/stress load I have right now I had a breakdown a couple years ago and went on brain candy for a year to get a floor back under me. I can feel things breaking down again – difficulty focusing, random brain-noise that I can't shut out at night and sleep, and bouts of irrational angerĀ  – and that worries me.

Anyways, I should head for bed so I can do this all again tomorrow. Maybe, just maybe, if I get a few spare minutes tomorrow I'll update my resume…